What is the “Florida Model”
- The ‘Axe Treatment’ Isn’t Fool-Proof
Clever advertising may lead you to believe that Febreeze can mask any odor successfully – however, every 18-32 year-old American male knows that there is only one product that can truly camouflage any stench. The ‘Axe Treatment’ has been effectively disguising body odor, remnants of just-smoked danky dank, and the lingering scent of mistresses nationwide since the early 2000’s. However, there is one completely overpowering aroma that even this noxious body spray will not cloak – alcoholism. The telltale bouquet of vodka, puke, and cigarettes overwhelms every cologne known to man, including (to the shock and dismay of everyone everywhere) Axe Body Spray.
- What You Think Looks Fresh Doesn’t Look Fresh
Getting dressed while hungover is never good – getting dressed while drunk is pretty much an instantaneous game killer. If you think it matches, it doesn’t match. If you think you look super fly, you look like a sad, incompetent moron. All fashion sense is technically completely lost after one’s blood alcohol level exceeds 0.02. For the chronic alcoholic, this means the likelihood of looking fresh is left solely to the science probability. Another complicating factor lies in the reality that drunk people don’t like to wear clothes. No pants + no shirt = no fresh.
- Your Pad Is Shameful
Being constantly intoxicated lends itself to not caring about anything. And although you have slowly become immune to the smell of rotting leftovers and unscrubbed toilet, your houseguests probably haven’t. Bringing a girl home to a corroded studio apartment cluttered with beer cans and potentially clean but questionable piles of laundry is a definite game killer. If she asks you where your dog is and you don’t have a dog… it’s probably time to go to rehab.
Of course, you may be living in the guestroom at your parents’ house, and your mom may still make your bed every morning. If this is the case, your mother is a codependent and also… go to rehab.
- Remembering Things Is Important
Names, dates, your wallet… these are all things that people with mad game tend to remember. If you pick up a girl named Stacy two hours late, call her Megan, and ask her to spot you after ordering 4 craft beers and a steak, you will not get laid. Fortunately, you probably won’t remember not getting laid, and in reality, you won’t care either way anyway.
- Whisky Dick
Nothing kills game like a fresh batch of pubic lice. Trips to the Urgent Care clinic down the street will inevitably start adding up, and money you’d rather be spending on bottom-shelf vodka will continue going towards antibiotics and genital exams. The promiscuity that tends to go hand-in-hand with an alcoholic lifestyle can result in some seriously game-changing game killers… some that can be treated with medicated cream and some that really, really can’t.
- You Aren’t An Artist And You Can’t Sing
No one is impressed, please just stop. It’s totally cool that you (like everyone else living in the land of depressing delusion) want to be a rockstar, but the chances are it is never going to happen. Partially because you are talentless and partially because you are an alcoholic with literally nothing going for you. If you do have some semblance of natural ability, the determination necessary is undoubtedly just not there. Few things kill game as quickly as a super sad drunk guy playing the guitar really badly.
- Emotional Unavailability Is So Last Season
It’s true that women tend to go for bad boys, attracted to the sense of danger and sexy instability rugged men on motorcycles tend to portray. But even leather-clad outlaws have a sensitive side when it comes to sweet, sweet romance. Alcoholics are pretty much always totally emotionally unavailable, too wrapped up in their own self-seeking ways to provide any kind of emotional support to a lady friend. And we all know that lady friends need emotional support… big time. If you don’t have feelings you don’t have game.
- Fatty Liver Is Not Sexy
Dying of cirrhosis is not a turn on. If you want to impress a woman with your sweet game, don’t tell her you are about 7 drinks away from wet brain. Overcoming serious diseases is actually scientifically proven to get girls naked – dying of complications due to prolonged alcoholism is just a major bummer.
10. You Ride A Bicycle
I mean… you ride a bicycle. Nothing screams “no game” like a lavender beach cruiser. Stacy will only pick you up from your parent’s house so many times before she realizes your car may not be in the shop after all. And 5 DUI’s later, it might be several decades before the “tune up” actually concludes. Of course, there are many valid reasons for one to opt for bicycle riding over car driving – like gas prices, exercise, commitment to the hipster vibe, and totally MAJORLY helping to eliminate pollution (keep changing the world, bro). Being an alcoholic is not a respectable reason to ride a bike.
Being an alcoholic will kill your game.
Alcoholism on Thursday, November 6, 2014wrote this in